When choosing to play a sport, you’re putting yourself in a position to win or lose. And we need to be ready for both outcomes. In sport, defeat is inevitable. Even the greatest champions have suffered crushing losses. But what separates the best from the rest isn’t avoiding failure - it’s how they respond to it.

Truth and context

The key to dealing with suffering a setback or a defeat is to understand the whole story, in the context of the bigger picture, and take the lessons you learn and use them to become better in the future.

If you lose context, you’re in for a world of pain.

‘I’m rubbish, I’m giving up! I’m never playing this game ever again.’

If you misunderstand what actually happened, and think that you played awfully throughout the whole match, had no chance of winning, and didn’t do one thing right, you’ll also go down a painful rabbit hole.

Truth and context. We should never be scared or afraid of the truth.

The faster we can process the emotion of the truth in it’s context, the faster we can learn from it, get better, and get back to being in the zone and playing our best, winning in sport and winning in life. The best sports people in the world can accept a mistake or a small defeat quickly, and either use it to drive better performance, or re-set within 10 seconds so that they are completely prepared to take on the next point, or next challenge within their sport.

The amateur sports person can’t accept their mistake or small defeat, they let it affect their performance negatively, they emotionally spiral and play worse for the following few minutes, or perhaps the rest of their game or match and can't recover in time.

Mental resilience and a whole host of tools relating to this play a huge part. But it comes down to truth and context. Understanding the truth, what it means in context and moving forwards in a positive direction.

You win or you learn

Let me share an experience that happened to me recently.

I enter one squash tournament that I care about most each year, the Coolhurst Club Championships. It’s special to me because I learnt how to play squash at this club, Coolhurst, and I have a great affection for the club, it’s staff and the community of members there. I have won the Club Championships twice before, in 2017 and in 2022.

Last Friday I played in the final of the Club Championships, in front of a rowdy and excitable crowd of 80 people, clients, friends, family and squash enthusiasts, as well as 60 people watching live online.

My opponent - a good friend and someone who I used to coach, Joey Dawson. This was the final that everyone wanted to see.

Now, if I cut to the end, I lost this match 3-1.

I am still learning tweaking how I can best learn the lessons from championship matches like this one, how I can bounce back from a loss, get back up again when I get knocked down, and keep moving forwards.

3 step process for dealing with defeat

But here is a process I have learned that has helped me and those players I coach:

Understand the truth
Break down the match objectively (game plan, technical or tactical errors)
Process and accept the emotion
Take time to accept the truth and process the emotions surrounding this match or performance
Learn the lessons and what this means in context
Figure out what this means in the context of your longer term goals and feed this into future plans

1. Understanding the truth

I found 3 positives, and 3 areas to improve.

Positive: The match could have gone either way, there were only a few points in it at key moments.

Positive: I had a lot left in the tank at the end of the match.

Positive: I remained mentally resilient throughout.

To improve: Changing my playing style when the refereeing style is not consistent.

To improve: Pushing forwards on the T to take more positive volleying opportunities short.

To improve: A more pro-active movement at the front of the court, taking the ball even earlier.

Top tip: View video footage, speak with coaches and supportive friends for honest feedback.

2. Process and accept the emotion

It was a disappointing finish to the match for me. Broken up by (in my view) poor decisions from the referee (anger), and fractured and less consistent play from myself (more disappointment). It was hard to lose an important match with so many people watching (sadness). I was frustrated that I wasn’t courageous enough with volleying short, something I had planned to do (shame).

Emotions: Disappointment, anger, sadness, shame.

Top tip: Talk to someone you trust—a coach, teammate, or friend. Venting in a healthy way can be the first step toward moving forward.

3. Learn the lessons and what this means in context

In the context of 2025, I can take a bunch of positives from this one match. In terms of the whole tournament, in the semi-final, I played someone who I had never beaten before and managed to win whilst playing some of the best squash I have ever played.

Knowing that physically I was still in a good place at the end of the final match, I am more confident going into future important matches after playing this final. The areas for improvement are clear, and I will include these areas in my training plan for the coming weeks and months to improve.

Top tip: Reconnect with your ‘why’ for your sport - and celebrate effort not just outcome.

Final Thoughts

Every setback can be a setup for a stronger comeback. It’s worth saying again, that what separates the best from the rest isn’t avoiding failure - it’s improving how you respond afterwards. So the next time you put yourself in a win or lose situation like a sporting context, remember to take time afterwards to understand what really happened, feel the emotion (don’t suppress it) then get back to work with purpose with the new knowledge of how to perform even better.

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How to get back up, when you get knocked down - a 3 step process for dealing with defeat